


It Takes a Lot To Watch a Person Break

by emryswastaken



Series: DepressedInnit [4]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Anger Management, Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Panic Attacks, Protective Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Protective Wilbur Soot, References to Depression, Separation Anxiety, phil is a bad dad in this whoops i am projecting, tubbo is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29253030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emryswastaken/pseuds/emryswastaken
Summary: Tommy is struggling with depression and anxiety. When Phil finds his razor and discovers what he’s been doing, he breaks down. Protective Techno and Wilbur come to his rescue.
Relationships: platonic - Relationship
Series: DepressedInnit [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107326
Comments: 5
Kudos: 347
Collections: Cheshire's MCYT recs!, Completed stories I've read





	1. Chapter 1

Tommys hands were shaking uncontrollably as he frantically searched his cabinet. Tears brimmed in his eyes, blurring his vision and causing him to knock over a few boxes. He didn’t care, he didn’t care if anyone heard, he just needed to find it. 

He needed to find his razor.

It was starting again. The unbearable thoughts and urges were back. He had been clean for about a month (Tubbo was so proud of him, they even went out to get ice cream to celebrate) but everything came crashing down tonight. The anxiety of not having his coping mechanism available was enough to push him into a full blown panic attack. He hadn’t had one in nearly a year, so he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He opted to ignore it, deciding that finding his razor was far more important than dealing with his racing heart and unsteady breathing. 

After all, he just needed to know that someone hadn’t taken it. If someone knew that he had been cutting, they’d send him away. They would look at him different, treat him as if he would break at any moment. He hated that. When he told Tubbo, the boy didn’t know how to react. He seemed uncomfortable, but sad for his friend. Tommy hadn’t mentioned much of it after, only that he was a month clean. 

It was all ruined now. He didn’t care too much about staying clean, the numbers didn’t matter to him. He just couldn’t handle someone knowing. They couldn’t know how much he struggled. They couldn’t know how much he hated himself, how much he simply wanted to cease existing. 

“Tommy? What...what are you doing?”

Tommy turned quickly, attempting to put a smile on his face at the sight of his concerned brother. “Oh, h-hey, Wilbur. I-I’m just....cleaning.”

Wilbur narrowed his eyes, glancing at the mess on the bathroom floor. His skeptical expression didn’t stay long, though, when he noticed the tear tracks on his younger brothers face. “Toms? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

He bit his lip, trying to ignore how his hands trembled when he went to wipe the tears away. “It’s nothing, W-Wilby.”

Wilbur shook his head, reaching his brother in two long strides and engulfing him in a hug. “It’s okay, Toms. You can tell me. I won’t judge you.”

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut, suppressing a sob at the unexpected affection. “I-I can’t.”

That razor was his cushion of safety. He knew it was a bad habit, but it wasn’t like he cut every day. He just needed a way to get away from his thoughts. He didn’t know how to cope without creating lines on his legs. He didn’t want to know how.

Footsteps from the hallway made the younger tense in the hug and pull away. 

Phil was stood in the doorway with a tired and confused Technoblade behind him. His father had a knowing and disappointed expression on his face which made Tommy flinch. 

He knew. 

How? Tommy had only told Tubbo and he made sure to swear the boy to secrecy. He always hid his razor and did the best to wipe the blood off before doing so. How did Phil know?

Wilbur turned after seeing the frightened look on his brothers face. “Phil? What’s going on? Do you know why Tommy is crying?”

Phil sighed, his gaze focused on his youngest son. “Tommy. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I just want to know why.”

Tommy avoided his eyes and instead concentrated on his shaking hands. Tears were still trailing down his cheeks, but he didn’t try to wipe them away. It wouldn’t matter anyway. 

“What? What’s goin on?” Technoblade spoke up, his expression defensive. “Did you hurt Tommy?”

Phil looked taken back and he clenched his fists. “Of course not! Why the hell would you think that, Techno?”

“Well, because Tommy is bawling his eyes out and you don’t seem to be helping! I’d even argue that you’re making it worse.” Technoblade glared at Phil, passing him to kneel next to his brother who was backed up into a corner. The poor boy was trembling, crying and having a hard time breathing. He was enraged that his father ignored this and continued to make the situation worse. “Toms? Take a deep breath. Try to match my breathing.”

Phil sighed, pulling something out of his pocket. “This is what I’m talking about, Techno.”

Technoblade briefly glanced over, furrowing his eyebrows. “A razor? What, so Tommy isn’t allowed to shave now?”

Phil rolled his eyes, walking closer to his son to show him the item in question more closely. “Look, see the stains here? That’s blood.”

“Maybe he accidentally cut himself while shaving. Why are you being so invasive, Phil? Leave the kid alone, he’s clearly having a panic attack because of you.” Techno huffed, turning his attention back to his brother who’s breathing had only gotten worse. 

“For fucks sake, Technoblade, he’s been cutting himself!” 

Techno froze, his hands clenching. He forced himself to calm down, to reduce his anger before he looked Tommy in the eyes. “Toms? Do you think you can go to Wilburs room with him? He’s gonna let you rest there for now.”

Wilbur met his eyes and nodded sadly, offering a warm smile to his youngest brother. “Come on, Toms. I know you’re tired.” 

Tommy took a shaky breath, walking over to Wilbur a bit unsteadily and allowing him to wrap his arm around his shoulder. 

As soon as they were gone, Techno stood and faced his father. “Dad, that was not okay.”

Phil crossed his arms, his eyes hardening. “Was it not? Then how the fuck should I have made sure my son was okay? He’s been hurting himself, Technoblade. I’m not sure if you understand.”

Technoblade scoffed. “You’re not sure I understand? Phil, I used to do the same thing for two whole fucking years.” 

Phil’s eyes widened, his confident demeanor dropping. “What?”

“Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that. While you were off on all those business trips, doing who knows what in your hardcore world, I was hurting. I was hearing things, they wouldn’t stop. The voices surrounded me all the time, Phil.” Techno’s voice cracked at his fathers name. It had been hell. The only person he told was Wilbur, who would constantly serve as his distraction. He would teach him songs and one time he even taught him how to play guitar. 

However, distractions didn’t always work. When the voices demanded blood, he gave them his own. When they demanded other blood, he wouldn’t appease them. He’d never forgive himself if he hurt his brothers, so he continued to sacrifice himself to the voices. Luckily, Wilbur made him seek more medical help and get medication which made a huge improvement. 

“Tech, why...why didn’t you tell me?” Phil whispered, his voice quiet and the pink haired man could almost detect a sense of guilt. That wasn’t something that Phil often had. 

Technoblade laughed, his nails digging into his palms as the hushed whispers demanded his fathers blood. “Why didn’t I tell you? That’s fucking funny. I didn’t tell you because all you ever cared about was yourself! All you would talk about was yourself! If I tried to tell you, you’d go on a rant about how this person pissed you off or how nothing that ever happened was your fault. It never is, it’s never your fault, huh?”

Phil opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. 

Technoblade forced his hands to relax, as he could feel blood dripping from the small cuts he had accidentally caused with his nails. He took a deep breath, willing the whispers away. “Go watch your shows downstairs. Just don’t yell at Tommy again. Don’t bring this up again. I’m going to go fix your mistakes, as always.”

He brushed past his father, a feeling of empowerment washing over him. He had done it. He had finally confronted Phil. All of those feelings had been bottled up for so long, it felt so nice to release them. 

For the first time in a while, the voices were proud of him. 

꧁꧂

Tommy allowed himself to be led to his older brothers room, trying his best to ignore Techno’s yelling from the bathroom. 

It was all his fault. If he hadn’t been so careless with where he hid his razor, maybe they could be watching Up right now. Maybe everyone wouldn’t be so disappointed in him. 

Wilbur crawled into the bed next to him, bringing him into another hug once they were comfortable. “I’m sorry, Toms. I don’t know what Phil was thinking, yelling at you like that. It’s not your fault, okay? We’re here to help you.”

Tommy didn’t answer, instead closing his eyes and burying his face in Wilburs shoulder. He wished that he could wake up tomorrow and this would all be just a dream. He didn’t like his family being so distraught because of him.

Wilbur ran his hand through his blond hair, his other hand rubbing circles on his back. “It’s okay. Techno is gonna talk some sense into Phil. He’s good at that. Everything will be alright.”

Tommy suppressed a sob as tears once again brimmed in his eyes. “Wilby, w-why am I like this?”

Wilbur’s hand stopped on his brothers back at his words and he took a shaky breath. He hadn’t expected Tommy to sound so broken, so defeated. He had never seen him like this. It was almost scary. “What do you mean, Toms? You’re perfect. You’re my favorite loud, impulsive little brother. You are the world to me, you’re my best friend. Everyone has their rough spots, that’s why I’m here. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to be brave all the time.”

The sob escaped the blonds lips and he shook his head, pulling away. “I’m not those things, Will. I cant stop pushing people away. I used to make friends so easily, but now it’s a chore to keep up friendships. Everyone keeps leaving me, Wilbur, I’m-I’m so scared that Tubbo will too. I’m scared all of you will.”

“Toms, I’ll never leave you.” Wilbur smiled sadly, taking Tommys hand in his. “Tubbo loves you more than you know, you two are best friends! And Techno may have a strange way of showing affection, but he’s here for you. Phil might be a bitch sometimes, but he cares about you. He might mess up sometimes, well, he might mess up a lot, but he still loves you.”

Tommy sighed, reaching up to wipe his tears with his free hand. “I don’t know. I...I can’t do this anymore, Will. Everyday is so exhausting. I can’t even imagine the future. I don’t want to either. The only way I knew how to cope with these fucking thoughts...is to cut. But i can’t even do that anymore. You all know, now. I just...Will, I don’t want to be here.”

Wilburs grip on Tommys hand tightened. “Don’t say that, Toms. I know right now it might be hard, but you can get through it. We’re all here to help you. Do you want Techno to get you a therapist and get some medicine for you?”

“I don’t know. It’s just so suffocating. I....” He trailed off, his eyelids drooping. “I’m tired, Will.”

Wilbur’s expression softened and he let go of his brother to pull the covers over them. “Get some rest, I’ll be here if you have a nightmare.”

Tommy laid down on the pillow, bringing the blankets up to his chin. He didn’t know how to feel, having released all of his dark thoughts that were constantly plaguing him. He decided that sleep was more important however, he would deal with his emotions later. “Okay, I love you, Wilby.”

Wilbur sighed sadly, placing a kiss on his brothers forehead and wrapping his arms around him. “I love you too, Toms.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Techno yells at Phil (based off my actual argument with my dad)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of self harm

The gentle buzz of the lights served as a distraction to the brothers as they sat in silence. Since Techno had come in, his hands bloody and his eyes teary, neither had spoken. Techno preferred that really, he was thankful that Wilbur knew that. 

His eyes moved from his hands that were resting in his lap, to his younger brother who was snuggled next to Wilbur. 

He hadn’t known about the razor. He didn’t know that Tommy was hurting himself. His heart broke for his brother, who was pushing his emotions down and pulling away from the help that could benefit him. However, he knew how he felt. Getting clean from self harm took him a long time. It wasn’t easy, either. There were constant relapses and if it wasn’t for Wilbur, he would’ve given up. 

He knew it was hard for Will to see him at such a low point, especially when he rarely let his act of confidence down and now with Tommy going through the same thing, he’d have to do it again. It takes a lot to watch a person break. A part of yourself breaks with them. 

A day that Techno deeply regrets was about a year ago. The voices were almost uncontrollable that day, mostly due to the fact that money was tight and they couldn’t afford his medicine that week. 

He can recall walking downstairs late at night to grab a drink of water and hearing Wilbur yelling at Phil for spending their check on clothes for himself. That was one of the few times that he heard Wilbur raise his voice at their father. Usually Techno was the one to do that. 

It was an impulse decision, one he didn’t put a lot of thought into. He was trying a new technique, he was trying to get the voices out of his mind. He went to their small lake in their backyard and swam for a little. After an hour, his limbs felt heavy and he felt like he was blinking in and out of reality. In other words, he wasn’t feeling great. He swam back to the shore, taking a short break before an idea popped into his mind.

How long could he hold his breath?

Luckily, Wilbur spotted him swimming from his window and went to check on him since he rarely ever swims. If he hadn’t noticed, then Techno probably wouldn’t be alive. 

After a minute under the water, he felt pain around his lungs and a desperate urge to swim up. He didn’t. The voices told him to stay longer, to see how long he could stay under. He complied, his brain now filling with fog and his eyes closing. He didn’t remember much after, Wilbur told him that when he came down, he saw Techno floating in the lake. He immediately jumped in, dragged him back to shore and preformed CPR. Techno remembered waking up and coughing out water but the rest was hazy. 

“Tech? Let go of your hands, please. You’re bleeding again.” Wilbur said, snapping him back to the present. 

He glanced down at his hands, seeing that his brother was right. He had unconsciously dug his nails into his palms until his fingertips came back coated in crimson. He unclasped his hands and dropped them awkwardly at his side, averting his gaze. “Uh, sorry. Is Toms okay?”

Wilbur sighed, running his hand through the mess of blond hair on his shoulder. “I don’t think so. We should see if we can schedule a therapy appointment for him and maybe some medicine.”

Techno shook his head dejectedly, hushed whispers filling his head again. “We can’t. We don’t have enough money. Between my medicine, the rent, and the bills, we can’t afford it.”

Wilbur was silent for a moment. His hand began to shake as he rubbed his younger brothers back. “We have to, Tech. This isn’t an option. I mean, I can’t handle if we did nothing and it turned out like...”

“Like the lake?” Techno supplied for him sadly. 

“Yeah..” Wilbur whispered, tears brimming in his eyes. “I can’t lose either of you guys.”

Techno’s face softened and he awkwardly patted his brothers shoulder in a meek attempt to cheer him up. “It’s okay. I’ll figure out something, don’t worry.”

He stood up, ruffling Tommy’s hair then heading for the door. “I’m gonna go talk to Phil, message me if he wakes up.” 

꧁꧂

It wasn’t too hard to find their father, he was sitting on the couch watching some sort of old show while smoking a cigarette. He didn’t use to do this, but when he got a new girlfriend who smoked, he started up again too. It didn’t bother Wilbur and Tommy too much, but it made Techno furious. He promised to quit, he said that he would never start up again. That wasn’t even the worst part of it. He would only smoke when all of his kids were around, as if he wanted to show it off. 

Techno clenched his fists, digging his nails into the cuts that were already aching on his palms. He stormed over to Phil and wrenched the cigarette out of his mouth, stamping it out on the ashtray on the coffee table. 

“What the hell?” Phil yelled, rising to his feet. 

“You’re going to listen to me. No interruptions.” Techno whispered, attempting to even his breathing so the voices would stay out. “You are going to stop buying fucking useless things. Even if they cost two dollars, you’re not to buy them. No more cigarettes, no more random cups for Lisa, no more posters that you just put in the basement, and most of all no more furniture. The reason we’re in debt is because of you. You spent all our money on things for yourself. We’re tight on money now. 

I’m getting a job this week, which shouldn’t be necessary since you and Lisa have jobs. It’s not like you use that money for us though, your own children. Did you even know that Wilbur got a job last year to pay for my medicine? And now, I’ve got to pay for Tommys medicine because I know you won’t. He needs-“

“Now, hold on just a minute.” Phil said, his tone enough to cause Techno to flinch. “You don’t get to boss me around. I’m the father. If Tommy needs medicine, I’ll pay for it. He’ll have to wait a couple weeks until after my oil change and my check up at the doctors.”

Techno scoffed, his hands shaking as emotions fueled them. He ignored the voices whispering for his fathers blood and dug his nails into his arm. “That’s what I thought. You don’t fucking put us first, Phil! This medicine and therapy is necessary for Tommy to survive and you put yourself ahead of that? And to think you call yourself a father. If anything, Wilbur and I are the father! We manage your money, take care of Tommy, put food on the table and provide dinner. What do you do? Collect posters of the Beatles?”

Phil’s eyes darkened and he stepped closer, forcing his son to back away. “You have no idea how much I do for you. You’re selfish. Ungrateful. You don’t raise your voice at your father. You have no idea how hard these past years have been for me.”

The fear left Techno’s body and his confidence returned along with the voices. He wasn’t angry, he was hurt. An emotion he didn’t usually allow himself to feel because it made him feel weak. “I know everything about how you’ve been feeling these past years because you told me every single day! You told me every little thing that was happening in your life like I was your diary! I was a kid! I shouldn’t have known how much the bills cost that week, or why you broke up with your last girlfriend, or how much you hate Mom. You poured everything on me when I couldn’t even figure out how to deal with my own emotions!”

Phil didn’t seem to react to that, or even understand a single thing his son had said. His eyes strayed to the television, allowing silence to fill the room. “Do you understand...” He began, his voice fearfully calm. “How I almost put a gun to my mouth in that time? You have no idea how hard it was for me.”

“Phil, you fucking selfish bastard, I tried to kill myself last year!” Techno screamed, his hand going to his mouth almost immediately after the words left his mouth. 

His father narrowed his eyes before yawning and slouching on the couch again. He grabbed his beer from the table, taking a king swing before setting it down. After a minute of awkward silence, he responded calmly. “If you want to pay for Tommys medicine, fine. I don’t care. Whatever makes you sleep better at night.”

Techno opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. His heart felt like it split. He thought that maybe that would get his father to stop caring so much about himself. He hadn’t even meant to say it. It didn’t seem to make a difference though. Why would it? Phil would never learn to change his selfish ways. He quickly wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, his hands shaking with anger and hurt. 

“Also, if you’re running out to get that. Stop by JCPenny and get a new coffee machine. I also need a new belt. Mine is falling apart.” Phil spoke up, his focus returning to his show.

That was the breaking point for Techno. The voices had gotten so loud and they were all chanting the same thing: 

Blood for the blood god. 

His vision blurred with scarlet and the last thing he could hear was his father scream. 

꧁꧂

Wilbur didn’t want Techno to go talk to Phil. He knew it would be pointless. He knew because he used to do the exact same thing. When his two younger brothers went to sleep, he’d stay up to talk to Phil. 

Their father was never good about spending money. He always spent it on worthless things and things for him. He’d buy a shirt that was a little too expensive and claim that he just needed a new one. He didn’t. He had more than all his children’s shirts combined. The only time they got necessities was on Christmas or their birthdays. Then Wilbur got his job and spent his earnings on Techno’s medicine and school supplies for Tommy. 

Techno had always adored his father when they were little. If Wilbur tried to talk bad about him, he’d be quick to defend him. Sometimes, this made him frustrated because he knew how much of a dick their father was, but he let his brother keep his image of who he thought their dad was. Soon enough, Techno realized how selfish Phil was. 

“Will?” Tommy’s quiet whisper brought him back to the present. 

He glanced down at his brother, smiling softly. “Hey, Toms. You can go back to sleep if you’d like.”

Tommy shook his head and sat up. There were dark bags under his eyes that Wilbur cursed himself for not noticing. The boy obviously hadn’t been sleeping very well, most likely due to nightmares. “It’s okay. I’m not tired anymore. Where’s Tech?”

“He’s talking to-“

A loud, petrified scream interrupted his sentence. 

Wilbur quickly got up out of the bed, rushing to the living room to see Techno on top of Phil, punching him repeatedly. 

“Technoblade! Stop!” Wilbur yelled, hooking his arms under his brothers shoulder and forcibly pulling him off their father. 

Phil scrambled away, wiping his bloody nose with his sleeve. “He fucking attacked me.”

Wilbur ignored him and focused on Techno who was staring at the ceiling with vacant eyes. He seemed to not be aware of his own body, his eyes were open but he was in an unconscious state. The voices were back. That’s the only explanation for what just happened. He had been getting therapy for his anger issues and his depression for a while now. He hadn’t had an outburst like this in a long time. The last time he did, someone egged him on. Phil must have done that too. 

Wilbur lightly tapped his brothers face, attempting to bring him back to reality. “Tech. Wake up. It’s okay, you’re here. I’m here. Everyone’s okay.”

Techno blinked, but the glaze in his eyes didn’t go away. 

“T-Technoblade?” A small voice called from the hallway. 

Wilbur turned, spotting Tommy standing in the hallway with a horrified expression on his face. “Oh, Tommy. Go back to my room. I’ll be there in a moment. Techno is okay, he’s just a little out of it right now.”

“What happened? W-Why does dad have blood on his face?”

Wilbur bit his lip, glaring at his father in a weak attempt to try to get him to play along. “He tripped on the carpet and hit his head. Techno is just a little tired. He hasn’t been getting enough sleep. Just go back to bed, Toms. Everything’s alright. Don’t worry.”

Tommy looked unconvinced, but he complied anyways which was a huge relief to Wilbur. 

After the blond had left, Wilbur turned back to Phil. “Whatever instructions Techno gave you, you’re to follow them. You’re not to yell at any of us anymore, especially Techno. Basically, fuck off.”

Phil glared at his son, still holding his sleeve to his nose but he stood up. “I’m going to the bar. I won’t be back until late, don’t wait up.”

Without another word from either of them, he left, slamming the door behind him. 

꧁꧂

Techno opened his eyes to see Wilbur’s wavy curls and concerned eyes behind his round glasses. He groaned, sitting up and holding one hand to his head. That’s when he noticed the blood on his hands. His breath began to quicken as he turned to scan Wilbur for any injuries he might have accidentally caused.

Wilbur immediately caught on to what he was doing and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. You didn’t hurt me. But, you might’ve punched Phil...a few times.”

Techno sighed in relief, leaning back against the coffee table. “Good, that fucker deserved it. Where is he now?”

“Gone. Went to the bar.”

“Typical.” He replied, wincing at the pounding headache he awoke with. “You got any pain meds?”

Wilbur shook his head solemnly. “No. I can get some when I next run out though. Drink some water and get some rest. That’ll get rid of the headache. You might want to talk to Tommy before you go to sleep though, he walked in when you were having an episode.”

Techno rubbed his eyes, sighing once again. He had never wanted Tommy to know what he went through, but secrets were best unkept. “Alright, I’ll talk to him soon. Um, thanks for dealing with me tonight though.”

Wilbur smiled and pulled his brother into a hug. “I didn’t deal with you, dickhead. I just made sure you didn’t kill dad. It wasn’t your fault, by the way. You were just defending Tommy. Phil is shit at being a good father, he tries, but never hard enough. It’s frustrating. I don’t blame you for snapping at him.”

Techno hugged back, taking a deep breath. “You’re right, but thanks for being here, Will. I love you, nerd.”

“I love you too, asshole.”

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading! also this phil does not represent actual phil *cough* he definitely is not directly inspired off my dad *cough*


End file.
